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the cloud diver - fiction (v3 is up)

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det det's picture
the cloud diver - fiction (v3 is up)
Hi all! When I first read sunward, the little part about cloud diving in venus caught my attention, so I wrote this piece of fiction. Any comments on how to make it better? thanks!!
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nezumi.hebereke nezumi.hebereke's picture
Re: the cloud diver
First thing you may want to do is determine who your audience is, and what the purpose of the segment is. I'm not sure if it's meant as fiction, a plot hook, an artifact for player characters or something else. Remove the last box and I'm assuming it's short fiction for general consumption. Make it shorter and remove the personal narrative before and after it and it's an artifact for a game (i.e., the XP feed). You may want to find a different way to denote speaking out loud (with one's mouth), transmitting via radio/mesh to other people, and 'internal monologue' with the muse. The common format I see is "quotes" for vocalizations, for radio chatter, :colons: for internal chatting. You have some problems with verb tenses and noun agreements ("the air hisses as it escaped", "what do these organism do here"). You need to reread it to catch little details that spellcheck won't catch. Gnats would not be very effective following him. Gnats will have a low mass/surface area ratio, meaning they're going to suffer from drag. You need something a little bigger and denser to keep up. You may want to use a word other than 'plane', just to give it that new-timey feel. Also, I wasn't sure at what altitude the plane was when he jumped. This will define whether the air hisses out (very high altitude), explodes out (really much higher than that altitude), or hisses in (high to moderate altitude). Regardless, for safety, I imagine they equalize the pressure before opening the door, just to prevent the pressure exchange from accidentally pushing someone out. The final scene is a bit confusing. He lands in the net? So it wasn't a crash landing? "That was creepy" should be replaced with something a little ... creepier. Take the line before it and really make it descriptive, "a swarm of black, crawling bodies dragging themselves across the net and leaping into the murky darkness below" sort of thing. Ideally, you want me to think it's creepy because you wrote a creepy description. Overall it was good. Well-written, intriguing. You may want to cut the first section for brevity, but I could go either way on that. The only other change I'd make with the remainder is consider rewriting it to give it more punch. Make things more colorful and descriptive.
det det's picture
Re: the cloud diver
thank you nezumi!! 1. it's fiction...I'll correct that on the opening post! 2. :colons: for internal chatting...nice one, never thought to much about that...but good idea! I used the cursive to show when the muse was talking, maybe I could just go both ways...I'll see. 3. I thought that giving thruster vector to the gnats and somehow modding them would do...I'll come up with something better. 4. "plane" is there because it written in the core book that cloud divers use "suborbital planes to bring them to an altitude of 80k" -where he jumped from, so the air should...hiss or explode out? 5. a crash landing in the net...maybe a should define the net a bit better... 6. yep, I understand...creepy description... English not being my mothertoungue I often get something wrong when writing...;) so thanks a bunch for your help! ;)
det det's picture
Re: the cloud diver - fiction
I updated the piece a bit. Thanks for the advice nezumi!
det det's picture
Re: the cloud diver - fiction (v3 is up)
I edited it a bit ;) found some mistakes...oops! any other hints?? thanks!
LostProxy LostProxy's picture
Re: the cloud diver - fiction (v3 is up)
That was cool and I'll use this guy as an NPC when my players get to Venus. On a technical note how did you get it to look like that?
det det's picture
Re: the cloud diver - fiction (v3 is up)
Wow! Thanks!! ;) Hope they enjoy him! To make it look like that I simply played with word...nothing too difficult! I sent you a PM with more details too.